Point System For Men

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects -- sorry, that's the way the game is played. Simple Duties You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car.+1 You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the nearest gas station.-1 You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb.+1 You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am, just as the truck pulls away.-1 You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish.+1 You leave dishes in the sink.-1 You leave them under the bed.-5 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings.+5 But return with beer.-5 You leave the toilet seat up.-1 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty.0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.-1 When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom.-2 You make the bed.+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows. 0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.-1 You check out a suspicious noise at night. 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing. 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something.+5 You pummel it with a six iron.+10 It's her father.-10 Social Engagements You stay by her side the entire party.0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy.-2 Named Tiffany.-4 Tiffany is a dancer.-6 Tiffany has implants.-8 When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly.+1 When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump.-5 When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you".+1 When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed".-6 That woman is her sister.-90 You have one drink, and that's it. 0 You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle.-2 You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted.-18 Things Of A Disgusting Nature You unclog a stopped-up toilet.+6 You clean up cat, dog or human vomit.+7 You get rid of a dead rodent.+8 You remove the collie from the thresher.+12 Saturday Afternoon You go to the mall together.+3 You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car.+4 You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar.-2 You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it.+3 You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional.0 You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk.+3 Most of it chips and beer.-6 You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den.+15 Or refinishing the floors.+16 Or rewiring the basement.+17 Or adding a second floor.+18 You visit her parents.+1 You visit her parents and actually make conversation.+3 You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television.-3 And the television is off.-6 You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear.-6 And you didn't even go to college.-10 And it's not your underwear.-15 Her Birthday You take her out to dinner.0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.+1 Okay, it is a sports bar.-2 And it's all-you-can-eat night.-3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team.-10 You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player.+3 You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing.+4 And you stink.+2 And you're not half bad.+5 You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause.-2 You give her a gift.0 You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance.-10 You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance.+1 You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate.+2 You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months.+30 You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day.-10 With her credit card.-30 And whatever you bought is two sizes too big.-40 Thoughtfulness You forget her birthday completely.-10 You forget your anniversary.-20 You forget to pick her up at the bus station.-25 Which is in Newark, New Jersey.-35 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast.-50 A Night Out With The Boys Go out with a pal.-5 And the pal is happily married.-4 Or frighteningly single.-7 And he drives a Trans Am.-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED).-15 You have a few beers.-9 And miss curfew by an hour.-12 You get home at 3 am.-20 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars.-30 And not wearing any pants.-40 Is that a tattoo???.-200 Her Night Out You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work friends.+5 She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late.+10 You wait up.+15 She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed.+20 She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed, but not before she pukes in the bathroom.+25 Which you clean up.+35 A Night At Home You watch TV together.0 You rent a movie.+1 You rent a movie and it's SENSE& SENSIBILITY.+3 It's SENSE& SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout.+5 It's SENSE& SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep.-1 It's SENSE& SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool.-2 A Night Out You take her to a movie.+2 You take her to a movie she likes.+4 You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Susan Sarandon).+6 You take her to a movie you like.-2 It's called DeathCop 3.-7 Which features cyborgs having sex.-9 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and sheepdogs.-15 Flowers You buy her flowers only when it's expected.0 You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it.+5 You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself.+10 And she contracts Lyme disease.-25 Your Physique You develop a noticeable potbelly.-15 You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.+10 You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.-5 Grooming You trim your nails.+5 You trim your nails in the living room.-10 You trim your nails and flick them at the cat.-15 You shave on the weekends.+2 You don't shave on the weekends.-4 You don't bathe on the weekends either.-8 But then, neither does she.+8 Finances You spend a lot of money on something impractical.-5 Something she can't use.-10 Such as a motorized model airplane.-20 And your kid needs braces.-30 In fact, all four of the kids need braces.-120 Driving You lose the directions on a trip.-4 You lose the directions and end up getting lost.-10 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town.-15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal.-25 She finds out you lied about having a black belt.-60 The Big Question She asks, "Do I look fat?".-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding.-10 You reply, "Where?".-25

Rating

G

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